He's Not You

For that someone you can't have but still keep longing for.

***

He's not like you.

You wouldn't turn at the sound of my voice

Nor be at full attention to the treble of my laughter

You wouldn't single me out in a crowd

More so look for me in a room full of people

He's not like you.

He would gently wrap his hands on mine

Like it was my heart he was holding

He would never ignore the faint glint in my eyes

That subtly confirm my feelings

No.

He's nothing like you.

But he's not you.

He holds onto me tightly

But my mind keeps wandering off 

Towards your direction

Because even with this distance

I still don't want to lose sight of you

He steps in for your shortcomings

And for a moment, I've thought of walking towards him, too

But it scares me to take a closer look

And see that he's everything I need, but he's not you.

***

Photo by it's me neosiam from Pexels

read more "He's Not You"

Saved

Hi. My gosh, how long has it been since I last wrote something? I practically had to clear some cobwebs after opening this blog. Anyway I finally got the chance to listen to some music and lyrics today and I figured I needed to flex my writing muscles if I want to stay functional. Besides, I wouldn't want to give my rival, Lang Leav any advantage, would I? Lels. 

Plus, John Mayer also still tries to release new material every now and then, his most recent being New Light...WHICH I LOVE (but then again, when did I ever hate a John Mayer song?). Never mind the music video which I suspect is a product of stress and marijuana, but do check it out if you want your life to get better: John Mayer - New Light

That said, the following poem is made out of obligation to my self. I had to write this. Not just to improve my composition, but also for some kind of consolation. This poem celebrates the idea of waiting; that in the end, you'll realize that everything that happened led you to where you should be...with the person you should be with. #yown!

***

You couldn't have come at a more perfect timing

You're the end of a storm,

you're my silver lining

Just before I could turn the wrong corner

You walked in to call this chaos to order

I was blinded; you were right there

Waiting for my eyes to open

Knew exactly what I needed

The moment I let you inside

It all makes sense now

The chains on my feet were so I wouldn't fly

Because why should I

When an angel clipped his wings to be by my side

***

read more "Saved"

Push And Pull feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)

Sometimes, you don't really need to put your works of art out into the world. All you need is to connect with the right people who share the same passion for creativity and artistic expression--be it through poetry, music, or visual arts. And yes, I just proclaimed myself a member of the artistic crowd. Lels. 

BUT let's talk about the real artist here. The drawing above is a work by no less than Ms. Ellie Bañez, my very talented former officemate, whom you probably remember from the artwork for The Admission. I cannot thank Ellie enough for offering to collaborate with me (collaborate daw oh!) and for using my poems as inspiration for her drawings. This is exactly the kind of exchange that feeds your creative soul. Ganito kaming mga artists mag-brainstorm. CHAR. 😂 Thanks again, Ellie! Looking forward to more of your drawings!

The above artwork is Ellie's visual interpretation of the poem "Push and Pull."

***

PUSH AND PULL

I'll take whispers

If that's the only way you can tell me

We're too close for comfort

We're too far to hear each other's hearts

I will, if you will

Say it and I'll echo your words

The same thoughts are running

Why can't we face what's obvious here?

This space in between

That only courage can cut through

Tell me what you're thinking

I'll confirm what's on your mind

I will, if you will

Our someday is now

Let's say the words we need to hear

Get our doubts out of the way

I won't move if you step closer

I've waited too long to back out

Come to me without reluctance

This push and pull ends now

***

read more "Push And Pull feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)"

The Admission feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)

I have always wanted to incorporate visual interpretations of my writings just to give Lang Leav a fair fight (lol), but I really can't draw to save my life. Luckily Ellie, my talented and artistic former officemate at Starcom, offered to illustrate one of my poems while she continues to practice and enhance her drawing skills . Thus, the image above! Doesn't it remind you of Van Gogh's works? I can't be more grateful! Thank you, Ellie!

(click the title below to be redirected  to the original post of "The Admission")

***

THE ADMISSION

I'm finding myself below

and I can see the light above

From a small opening

Twenty feet above me

I can scratch and claw

To try and reach liberty

But the walls are too slippery

And honestly,

The light has lost appeal to me

Would you believe

I've been here for years

And I've had hands try to pull me 

up from the floor

For a moment I'd believe

That they could help me stand

But a cripple can walk farther

than the weak-willed, abled man

I'd cry for help in darkness

where I know no one could hear

In case somebody does come

I would run away in fear

I pretend to be a lion

When inside I'm a helpless prey

Haunted by the absence

of something to chase

Sympathy repels me

Yet, it's what I need

Before someone sees my frailties

I would cut the strings

I'll entrance you with music

Wear pride as a disguise

A smokescreen of lies

Hide this fraud from your eyes

***

read more "The Admission feat. Artwork by Ellie (a re-post)"

Push And Pull

I swear, I'm kinda "SHOOKT" these past few days. I can't get something out of my head. It's like that line from Ellie Goulding's song: "My heart don't understand why I got you on my mind." CHARET! Ang arte ko, bakit ba ako ganito? Hahaha! Eww, sumi-sixteen years old. Magtigil.

Anyway, of course I took it out to Spotify last night and like any other muni-muni segments of my life that's supported by background music, my new playlist brought new phrases into my head and compelled me to write something--anything that provides an outlet for feels. This is one of the reasons why I hate leaving Twitter. I'm usually able to satisfy my feels just by posting lines that I like from the songs I love. But since I can't do that anymore, I needed another venue to channel my emotions. Lels. Therefore, this. I'm not sure why I came up with this push and pull theme. Maybe because my previous entries were about avoiding feelings and being scared of making a move that my mind has had enough and chose to end the endless guessing game now. Lol. 

***

I'll take whispers

If that's the only way you can tell me

We're too close for comfort

We're too far to hear each other's hearts

I will, if you will

Say it and I'll echo your words

The same thoughts are running

Why can't we face what's obvious here

This space in between

That only courage can cut through

Tell me what you're thinking

I'll confirm what's on your mind

I will, if you will

Our someday is now

Let's say the words we need to hear

Get our doubts out of the way

I won't move if you step closer

I've waited too long to back out

Come to me without reluctance

This push and pull ends now

***

P.S. I'm also including links to the songs I've been listening to lately para damay-damay na. At siyempre naisama si kumareng Selena Gomez. ;) 

PLAYLIST

read more "Push And Pull"

Strangers

When you regret your decision but you're no longer qualified for a second chance.... 

***

I was minding my stride 

when the wind made me turn, 

and I saw you there, 

looking just as perfect as you had 

when I was the one holding your hand.

A smile slowly tugged on my lips, 

and for a second I was willing

to mend the string I've cut heartlessly. 

For a moment, I wanted to rely on a maybe. 

Maybe...you still wanted me?

But my hopes quickly ran empty

as your gaze went right through me. 

Colorless and without emotion, 

as if I was just part of the crowd; 

as if I was less than a "used to be"; 

as if I was someone who never was anyone to you.

I felt a smile slowly tug on my lips. 

For a second I was trying 

to ignore the sting on my chest. 

Because I had no right to fall apart 

when I chose to run

from the only thing that held me together.

Your inattention made it easy 

to walk past you without a greeting. 

Minding my stride 

while you disappear at the corner, 

like the strangers that we are.

***

read more "Strangers"

This Is Your Poem

Aaand I made another one. Yes, it's true. I'm so talented that I wrote two poems on the same day, one immediately after the other. My gosh, the world is so lucky to have me. LOL.

Ego aside, I'm just so in the mood to write right now. Blame it on Lang Leav...and korean drama. LOL! Anyway, this one has the usual theme. About new but unwanted feelings and the effort to contain it, but the walls are weak and begin to crumble down...so she expresses through writing. ;)

P.S. The title is a tweaked version of the line from Elton John's "Your Song."

***

I didn't expect you.

I didn't expect my reaction to your presence.

Just standing there,

Etching your name on my skin with every stare.

I didn't want you.

Not even when you opened your heart.

Not until you stood in my way,

revealing your thoughts with your eyes.

I regret looking through you.

I regret seeing the uncertainty, the plea.

Your eyes begged for mine to give you answers;

and I felt compelled to respond.

You've entrapped me and you don't even know.

Or are you feigning ignorance?

I've wandered too far into your territory;

and I find myself in a labyrinth of truths and denials.

I want to escape from you,

yet I'm the one embracing you.

I'm enchanted by your subtlety;

how you speak loudly in your silence.

I sense I'll keep writing about you,

in place of words I will not let you hear,

in place of smiles I will not let you see.

Let my pen walk you through the answers you seek from me.

***

GIF from https://www.tumblr.com/search/i%20like%20you%20gifs

read more "This Is Your Poem"

Homesick

I've been reading some Lang Leav again and voila. For you. Wait for me. :)

***

There's always a reason,

as I've finally learned.

I've always questioned why

until you.

All you needed to do

was walk into the room

and suddenly I had the answers.

Although you also brought new questions.

Ah, who knew?

I was a nomad all this time.

I slept on my own bed,

within the walls of my own house.

But never, never had I felt so at home

than when I stood beside you.

Home is where you are.

Home is where you will be.

So wait for me. 

Like every person who's built her first house

I need to deserve you.

I need to justify the tenderness in your eyes 

when you steal brief glances.

Or the sincerity in your smile

when I catch you and our glances linger.

I'll be coming home,

so don't forget me.

Even though I seem to take some time.

Even though it seems I'm wandering off.

Hold onto me.

I'll leave you little reminders,

Like white pebble stones to guide me home.

Or you can come to me

I'll carve markings on the trees.

Anything to make it known to you...

Anything to make it known to me...

That although we're walking on different streets,

You will always, always be home to me.

***

Christiana Rivers

read more "Homesick"

Both Hands

Wala lang. :) I figured I've been writing too many poems about heartaches and unrequited feelings, blah, blah. So I went for something more...reciprocated(?) today. I'm kind of singing this in my head while writing it, but I'll probably just leave it like this. I'm so lazy to pick up my guitar these days. Though it's not as if anything amazing will come out if I did. LOL.

***

The sand in the hourglass

is almost run out

and that's when you came to flip it

I laughed at the circumstance

who would have guessed

Love would come at the last minute

And I have never been

on this side before

I have never known

that stars could brighten some more

Now that I've seen it

I think I'll keep it

With both hands

as if it was water

Both hands 

as if it were sand

Both hands on your face

as if you were made out of glass

I've never held onto something

But this time I will with both hands

One foot out the door

In case of a heartbreak

I stand near the fire escape

At arm's length away

One hand enlaced with his

The other ready to run away

'Cause I've never been

a good enough reason

All that I've known

is that nobody's asked me to stay

But you came 

and held me

With both hands

as if I was water

Both hands 

as if I were sand

Both hands on my face

as if I was made out of glass

I've never held anyone's heart

But this time I will with both hands

***

PHOTO Credit: Background image created by Freepik

read more "Both Hands"

The Admission

Just letting off some steam. When you're too much of a disappointment to yourself. 

***

I'm finding myself below

and I can see the light above

From a small opening

Twenty feet above me

I can scratch and claw

To try and reach liberty

But the walls are too slippery

And honestly,

The light has lost appeal to me

Would you believe

I've been here for years

And I've had hands try to pull me 

up from the floor

For a moment I'd believe

That they could help me stand

But a cripple can walk farther

than the weak-willed, abled man

I'd cry for help in darkness

where I know no one could hear

In case somebody does come

I would run away in fear

I pretend to be a lion

When inside I'm a helpless prey

Haunted by the absence

of something to chase

Sympathy repels me

Yet, it's what I need

Before someone sees my frailties

I would cut the strings

I'll entrance you with music

Wear pride as a disguise

A smokescreen of lies

Hide this fraud from your eyes

***

P.S. I'm okay. LOL. People should know my writings are blown-up, exaggerated versions of my actual feelings. So yeah, I'm good. I'll be grateful if I can wake up tomorrow to start again. ;)

GIF credit: https://www.tumblr.com/search/vintage%20love%20gif

read more "The Admission"

What I Don't Say

I was just lazing around in my bed yesterday afternoon when the rhyming bug bit me (lol) so I typed this on my phone's notepad within 15 minutes or so. I'm sure everyone's familiar with how frustrating it is not to be able to say what you feel. It's like your hands are tied and you're just squirming to free yourself. But then again, if you do decide to express your thoughts, there's also the fear of being rejected and misunderstood. So you're stuck. And until you're brave enough, you'll be in same place, feeling the same feeling of frustration. HOW SAD.

P.S. By the way, I've revived my other Instagram account that's dedicated for my writings. I realized I should bring a little competition to Lang  Leav and R.M.Drake. LOL! Please follow @TheTalkingPen and be my 6th follower. 😂💦

***

I miss you but can't say

Every sun and every rain

Until it comes another day

It doesn't change

It's still the same

I long to see your face

For a second if I may

But 'til you hear what I don't say

It won't change

It's still the same

If thunder comes with heartbreaks

You'll know how much it aches

But love's quiet as calm lakes

So I'll just wait

For what won't change

***

read more "What I Don't Say"

There's Comfort in Distance

Closing something right after it's opened...or something like that. ;)

***

There's comfort in distance --

a mutual resistance 

to something too strong, 

it could overwhelm us.

A thin curtain cover --

anything will do --

to shield us from feeling

what we already do.

My head's turned the wrong way

all of this time.

You've been looking my way

all of the while.

I could've turned around,

You could have called my name;

but neither did,

'cause neither could 

be ever so brave.

There's relief in these walls

that divide our space.

I can think of you freely

without having to face

any kind of confrontation --

a confirmation or rejection.

In here, I can be uncertain

and you won't be obliged to wait.

There's contentment in idleness --

an illusion of safety.

I would prefer this silence 

than to wake the fear inside me.

Even a glance could be binding,

dare we step beyond our boundaries...

There is comfort in distance

in a room of uncertainty.

There's serenity in estrangement;

we'll find it eventually.

***

read more "There's Comfort in Distance"

Hold Onto Me

I can't think of an introduction for this piece so I'll just drop it here raw. It's a song, I think. :)

***

Hold onto me

If you don't plan to leave,

Then grab my hand tightly

'Cause I'm not capable 

Of making people stay

They all drift away

Walk beside me

If you intend to go along this road with me,

Take heed

I have been too used to letting go

Can't take another scar anymore

I have tried embraces

They just seem to suffocate

So I gave a little distance

But someone came to fill the space

So this time I'll be standing still

And let you run and come to me

There's love in me

Waiting for the one 

Who thinks that I'm worthy 

To hold onto 'til the end

So understand why

I won't hold your hand 

'Til you reach for mine

There's no need for flowers

I need what they signify

I may come off needy,

But there's a reason why

There's so much doubt building

From all the past goodbyes

So hold my hand only if

You will for a long time

-end-

read more "Hold Onto Me"

The Positive Song

It was raining yesterday so it seemed like the perfect weekend--cold weather on a Sunday afternoon just lazing at home (as if I needed a rainy day to be lazy. lol).  Most of the time, gloomy weather gets me emo and well, for a while it did, as I was browsing melancholic British and Korean indie songs on Spotify to intensify the gloominess. Haha! But in the midst of it I managed to grab my guitar and just played some random chords and somehow ended up writing a happy song. It's such a bright, hopeful song that I had to pat myself on the back for creating something so positive out of the sadness in my heart. CHOS! :))

Anyway this does, in a way, represent my perspective in life. At times when I would be all "why don't I have that," or "why is this happening to me," I would look around me and realize I'm pretty much all good and blessed. Things could have been worse, but I'm lucky I'm in a more stable place. This happens during my strongest and most mentally able times so I'm not saying I'm this well-grounded, but the point is that I try and choose to be strong. The second you make this choice, you're done with self-pitying and have resolved the problem without even knowing. :) So yeah, choose happiness. See the brighter side of things. When your world loses color, appreciate the contrast of things in black and white. Have faith in God. He has plans beyond our level of understanding. :)

***

I'd never have imagined feeling this good

Usually the rain would always dampen my mood

Now it seems my feet can't wait to jump in the puddle

Let the rain fall on my face

The sun can shine tomorrow

I could shake the dirt off the soles of my shoes

But what would be the proof of the places I've been to?

I could wipe the fog off of the windows

But then I won't be able to draw hearts with my fingers

Oh, we all fall down

But we can turn it around

Just get back up and smile for the crowd

And if it's dancing that

Gets you through,

Then move to the rhythm

And if it's singing that

Makes you smile,

Then sing a bit louder

'Cause the shadows they

Will always be

Following close behind

But if you try to see the brighter side

Then you'll be alright

See that half full glass of water?

That window near the closed door?

That endless rainbow after a rainy day?

It's never the situation

It's all about perspective

It will be how you choose it to be

'Cause we...we all fall down

But we can turn it around

Just get back up and smile for the crowd

And if it's dancing that

Gets you through,

Then move to the rhythm

And if it's singing that

Makes you smile,

Then sing a bit louder

'Cause the shadows they

Will always be

Following close behind

But if you try to see the brighter side

Then you'll be alright

***

read more "The Positive Song"

Who You Are

Hello there.

I woke up with a fever today and I didn't want to just lie down and surrender to head and body aches, so I decided to write myself an encouraging poem/song (I'm trying to get a decent melody for this but the fever is making me lazy).

So here. I honestly don't know what I'm trying to get at, but whatever. It rhymes so... :)

***

Don't fall off the edge

You of all people know what's best for you

Instead of all the shifting

Commit to the story you've been writing

Who knows how we'll end up?

Who knows where we'll be?

The moment that you wake up

Is when it all begins

They'll point a finger at you

They'll tell you where to go

And once again you're in between

Who you are and who you want to be

Don't stray from the line

Everybody's got their own ride to mind

You might find yourself winning

Or losing,

What matters is you're trying

And who knows how we'll end up?

Who knows where we'll be?

The moment that you wake up

Is when it all begins

They'll point a finger at you

They'll tell you where to go

And once again you're in between

Who you are and who you want to be

Stand up,

Make up for yesterday's faults

Never stop for 2nd thoughts

When shadows hide from morning light

You're closer to the you

You have in mind

***

read more "Who You Are"

Today, I Thought Of You

***

Today I thought of you.

Just like that, without warning.

I never meant to.

Even I was surprised how easily you broke into my mind.

I was at peace with where we are now.

Or what we are now.

Or where I am now and 

not knowing what's going on with you lately.

But I thought of you.

Crossing my mind like it's the most natural thing.

I thought about the questions I still had.

How they will never be answered.

And why I never asked them.

Or if I should have asked them.

I was reading about fate.

Or was it about destiny?

Of sparks.

Of connections.

Of two people bound to be together.

I wonder if our story has an epilogue.

The part where it says,

"Oh, and these two met again to talk about what happened."
It's not even that we'd fall in love.
Just that we'd acknowledge the feeling.

My thoughts led me to a made-up moment.

A slice of time that we can forget.

We'd be sitting face-to-face.

I'd ask you just one question:

"Did you feel it?"

You'd say yes.

I'd continue with, "What was that?"

You'd shrug your shoulders.

The end.

I honestly would have been satisfied with just that.

There were so many chances to bring it up.

Like when you bought me that gift that you said reminded you of me.

Or when you gave me that jacket because I said I liked it.

Or when you said it wasn't the same without me.

Or when you said you'll miss me.

All those times I could have asked why.

All those chances I could have seen you reply with a shrug.

***

read more "Today, I Thought Of You"

Overlooked

I'm doing my usual song hunting on Youtube and as always, the mood veers towards the melancholic, you-never-looked-at-me kind of feel. And it's only 10AM on a Saturday. So here. I don't like how this turned out but I'm posting it anyway. Sayang eh. LOL.

***

High nose

A view of the world

with your eyes closed

Could there be something you've missed

When all you could see are the distant things

Echo

Silence responds 

in the same tone

You only hear what you say

The whistle of wind is a noise too vague

Look down 

Below the hand that holds your chin

Listen carefully

there's a call within the waves

Feel your hand

And notice the warmth from my own

Wrapped around yours for the longest time

***

read more "Overlooked"

Curiosity

I needed to write this. I'm also slightly reminded of my other entry, La Douleur Exquise, which by weird coincidence, was written around the same time last year. It was a different experience but both revolve around curiosity. The first was a curiosity about what could happen, while here the curiosity is about why I'm even drawn to someone something...when there shouldn't be any reason in the first place...

...right?

Right. Anyway, this is about a futile attempt at going against feelings. But we all know that the minute you become even the slightest bit interested...the moment you become curious, you'll find yourself on a one-way street. John Mayer knew it. Selena Gomez sang it:

"You love who you love."
"The heart wants what it wants."

So I don't know why we even try resisting. LOL.

***

What are you?

A flicker of light

From the corner of my eye

Too faint to be worthy of my time

But somehow I

Feel the need to find you

What are you?

The scent of spring 

From someone's skin

A fragrance vague within the mist

But somehow I

Feel the need to follow you

Something pulls me to you

And it leaves me confused

Why I'm here,

Staring at the riddle that you are

There's a beat I'm missing

This uncertain yearning

I have every reason not to,

But I want to know you

What are you?
The sound of droplets
From a distant rain
And suddenly my mouth feels dry
Now somehow I
Need to chase you

Who are you

To cause an unwitting smile

Across my lips?

There's no one else

Who's had me so perplexed

But you.

Just you.

read more "Curiosity"

The Breakup Song

Always. Always. ALWAYS. When I have to do something I always have this itch to write instead. Like it's my excuse to procrastinate. Before, it was more of the petty activities like cutting my nails, or snipping the ends of my hair, or the sudden urgent need to re-decorate my room. Now it's writing. On the bright side, the excuses have developed into something more...productive? Yes? No?

No. An excuse is still an excuse. And the delays are not getting shorter. I'm going to work on a better self now. Or later... after I've finished posting this. And maybe a little more after I've worked on a melody for this song/poem. This is obviously more important. LOL.

Here's another one of my sad stuff. I love drama. It feeds my soul. Lelz. I dedicate this to the people who are only meant to endure...those built to never know happiness. BOOM. :))

***

You tuck yourself to bed

Beside me

And once again

We let the night referee

The silent war 

That we've been in lately

Alas, I am a woman

Alas, my instincts are strong

And while you pretend to still love me

I know, 

You've already let go

I had seen this coming

Whenever you sigh when you speak

I've always had this feeling

That you weren't mine to keep

Our ending had been obvious

But I still kept a blind eye

My intuition has never failed me

Oh, what I'd give to be wrong, this time

Time was never patient

With me

It's always been 

too short, too long

And I have been happy

For a while now

With you

So I knew

It was bound to end soon

read more "The Breakup Song"

Stuck In A Free Fall

Got a rock song in my head for this.

***

I need a good shake

Somebody wake me

Somewhere in the middle

I've lost gravity

Cannot move at all

I'm stuck in a free fall

Left foot, right foot

Counting the steps

Looking down on my feet

Won't somebody lift me?

This way or that way

Where do I go?

Each road ends in a fork

And I can't see

If I'm coming or leaving home

'Cause you turn life around

Or you'll run in circles

Push your limits

Or they will pull you down

It's just one of these things:

You have all or got none

But either way

One will lead to the other one

When you got nothing

You can get anything

When you've got everything

Then what else is there to long for?

Build me parallel walls

To give some direction

'Cause right now this meadow

Is too vast to run around on

Maybe I got tired of resisting

Maybe I've tried everything

Wasn't long before I found myself

Floating aimlessly mid-air

I need a good shake

somebody wake me

somewhere in the middle

I've lost gravity

Cannot move at all

I'm stuck in a free fall

read more "Stuck In A Free Fall"